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a perpetual lightness of being.

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2015.06.10  16.30
Ten Months Later

Journaling is strange because of everything that gets left out. At one point in time I wanted to record everything I could so I would be able to read my life story when I am an old old lady. I reread a few things just from a year ago and it's funny how strange it sounds to me. I now wonder if I really will want to read all this later on....probably will just want to hear about the good parts. Who wants to relive suffering anyway. Maybe a bit of it to say, oh yah, that happened. I often find myself saying "I forgot about that" whenever Victor and I get to hang out. Hopefully he will be alive too and we can remind each other about the weird things that happened in our lives.

 
 
Critique


 
  2014.08.06  16.27
Marching on

About a week and half ago, Chad and I took dad to Disneyland as his big last hurrah. It's been over 15 years since dad had been. Almost needless to say, he had an amazing time. He loved watching the shows, the fireworks, world of color, the parade. He loved riding the rides. He just loved going around from here to there and everywhere. I made an indiegogo campaign for the trip since we needed to raise funds asap. It was so touching to be gifted with financial support by so many of my friends and their friends. It helped me to not feel alone in this. It is a real concrete way to help instead of just saying "if there is anything I can do let me know". I appriciate that gesture when it is sincere, but the thing is, I will never let you know. I won't ask for help unless I really really *really* need it. I'm not going to deny people when they have a specific way they want to help, which is always awesome, but I don't have the time or emotional energy to ask. My sweet old friend Ben came over and took dad to see a movie one day. Dad has known Ben forever and it was great for him to connect with someone outside the family. Things like that are priceless. Especially since everything is becoming harder with dad and more time consuming. He is going to need full daily routine attention and care soon. He has an appointment for a feeding tube consultation this week. I was always so afraid of feeding tubes, but after hearing the doctors talk about them so much, it seems rather normal now. Chad is switching from night to day shift soon and that will help take some of the workload off me. I have been the one to take him to all his many many appointments and it is pretty stressful sometimes. I was spawled out on the floor after one of his big appointments one day and rollie came in. He sat down beside and just rubbed my back. They weren't kidding when they said ALS is a family disease. We all have it.

 
 
Critique


 
  2014.06.27  18.10
ALS or better known as Lou Gehrig's Disease

Dad has been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's. When Chad, Rollie, and I first started noticing dad's speech and mobility declining, this is what we were afraid of. It is rare and not many people know exactly what it does to someone. Neurology is a complicated and mostly unknown territory. ALS is a terminal illness. No one knows exactly how long someone has, but a few years is a good guess. The quality of life at the end of those years is very poor. At this point, my dad can basically no longer talk. He says a few words pretty well, but mainly I am the only one who understands what he is trying to say. He has lost the ability of extending his fingers and has minimal use in his hands. He is off balance when he walks and can only go for short distances. He can no longer eat anything unless it is essentially mush. He is having a hard time drinking. He drools and drops food everywhere. He can still grip a pencil with his whole hand and write a few words. The thing with als is, the mind is left untouched. All of this is happening to your body but you are aware just as you always were. Your senses are fine. It is such a cruel disease. I have little idea how to comfort dad except make his life more full while he is still here. We are fortunate to have an ALS clinic nearby, some states don't even have one. He has the best of the best ALS doctor, and we are going to be receiving help via a social worker. I rest a lot of my hopes in the thought of that. I am most likely going to be dad's care giver as this disease progresses. I am already mostly taking care of him now with everything but his basic functions. Soon I will have to do that. I am afraid, just as dad is, but I know we must take it one day at a time. I am going to try very hard to look at the positive and not be sucked into a whole of saddness and hopelessness. No one knows when our time to go will be, so all we can do is live right now.

 
 
Critique


 
  2014.05.28  16.48
Relationships

Megan, Juli, and I have been group texting with each other about this and that; mainly inspired by Jewels saying she wanted me to get married so she could attend a boho wedding. I wrote them a little note saying "I havent really told you guys but I am so happy with Rollie. He is everything a boyfriend should be: So caring, loving, honest, compromising, responsible, dependable, romantic and fun." They both said they are very happy for me, of course. They have had to go through all my bad relationships along side me, as have all my poor good friends. I love being able to report things are good instead of things are confusing. In past relationships it was always a rollercoaster. Chances are, if your relationship is up and down it isn't ever going to smooth out. Instead it takes forever for finally let go and move on from it. I see other people in the same situation I was in time and time again, and there is nothing I can do to make them see. It seems normal until you experience what normal really should be. Rollie and I still have our times when things are hard, but a lot of it is still working through issues created by the past. And sometimes I get scared of the future, what will happen to us over time. I see other people's marriages and long term relationships and worry about problems I see. I have been trained to think it eventually just isn't going to work since that is all I have ever known. But I have never been with someone equally committed, either.

 
 
Critique


 
  2014.04.04  16.28


I remember when I used to try to journal about *everything* in my life. I did this partly to remember events when I am an old lady and partly out of my OCD tendencies. I gave up on that somewhere along the way and now try to check in every now and then with milestones, of sorts. This weekend Alecia Lockheart had an old person themed birthday party. I didn't feel truly in character until I stuffed a kleenex in the end of my sleeve. I, of course, took photos; so it will be fun to compare those when Rollie and I are old.

Our one year anniversary is coming up soon. Crazy to think we have already had our first holidays together. Rollie got me a bonsai pine tree for our first Christmas. For valentines day, we celebrated over the span of three days. We kicked it off with going to see Pink lady Lindsey sing with her swing jazz band. She dedicated a song to me and I immediately knew where it was from. Cinderella "so this is love". I was thrilled to be dancing with Rollie as she sang her super cute version. She made a magical moment for me <3 The next night we played DIY punk rock putt putt. nuff' said. On Saturday we went to Vagabond Opera dressed all PDX circus burlesque...Alecia and Ryan met up with us. There were carnival games won. Carnival games not even played because the attendent was not present and Ryan got restless; both scenerios resulted in Carnival prizes...one way or the other. Our valentine gifts we gave each other were cute. I was given unicorn themed trinkets and I gave him vintage cufflings and a tie clip. initials J and R, respectively.

<3



Mood: relaxed
 
 
1Review Critique


 
  2014.01.20  17.20
Moving in

What to do, what to do first...I have millions of things. I can't decide what I want to do most.
As a result I usually opt for trying to have fun. I thought after Rollie moved in it would
motivate me to get more done, but it kind of hasn't. I now always
have someone to watch something with me or sit or play games or go to the store or what have you.
Don't get me wrong, I love it. And whenever I manage to feel like getting something done, Rollie is
down to do it too.
I am living with my boyfriend by the way.
This is the first time this has happened and it really is the best. Neither of us have lived
with a s.o. before. We were worried in theory but in practice there wasn't too much to worry about.
I may put stuff in his workout space and he may leave his beard shavings around the sink, but
it is a small price to pay to not have to say goodbye...only good night and good morning.
The apartment still isn't done, but we have the desire to do it.
The new year has me thinking about my goals and dreams. I will be 30 come my next birthday. I really
want to be making more money by then and doing something different career-wise. I need to grow
somehow, even if it's small.
I need a car. My brother needs to be able to work day shift. He has been working nights for years
and years. He needs to be able to see the sun, and not have to switch his sleep schedule anytime
he wants to do anything normal day people do.
I also need to win the lottery so I can give Traci all the things she can't give herself but desires.

Dancing is something I definitely want to do more regularly. Although Rollie doesnt yet know how
and it makes it difficult for me to go out partner dancing. It reminds me I can't connect with Rollie
in that way, and leaves me feeling disconnected, like somethings missing. I guess thats because something is.
I feel the most deeply satisfied, connected, and understood when I dance. I want so badly for Rollie
to feel the joy I do when he dances. I want him to be able to move me, to move with me...it is the most
romantic and sexy thing for me to have the person I love lead me. I want that chemistry. I want the room
to fade away and nothing else exists but him and I in that dance.

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.12.08  18.21
love love love

Every morning, before he goes to work and I am still sleeping, he kisses me on the forehead.
When we watch movies, he squeezes me a little harder at the most romantic points.
I have never been so truly loved.

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.10.08  17.40
Birthdayz

This will be the last year I am in my twenties. I am happy to be the age I am, but I don't look forward to having to work harder at keeping this fragile bodily machine running. It will be strange to not be considered young anymore. Society says youth holds potential and a whole road ahead. Really though, the way I see it, no one knows how long their road is. You can begin a journey at any age. Potential is life-long. As far as physical beauty goes, I imagine it will be a bummer to be an old lady, but it also is a bummer to die. Or so it seems. No one really knows that, or most people don't anyway.

For my birthday, Rollie took me to see Dane Cook. He was funny, but I also felt his age wore on his act. I can't blame him, he has been doing stand up for twenty years. Honestly, I was just happy to spend the day with Rollie. He wrote me a card which reminded me it is our anniversary of our meeting. How could we have known 13 years later we would be together.

We both liked each other from the start, but the universe didn't see it fit for us to get married at 18 and have a bunch of jam faces. Instead we had to be best friends for over a decade, always there for each other. During College, we both fell in love at the same-ish time with different people, but we knew deep down it wasn't going to work with those relationships. More time went by, more relationships came and went. In the early hours of the morning, we would spend hours talking about them and everything else. I never worried about how I sounded or felt when we talked, because I always could be my complete self with Rollie. He has always loved me and laughed with me regardless. When I was 27, I fell madly in love with someone and thought we would always be together. After he ended it, I couldn't make sense of it. I couldn't believe I had been wrong. My whole existance was shaked. How could fate do this to me? Then I decided love, as I knew it for myself and my life, was a big joke. I then stopped thinking about it altogether because that was how I could continue on with my life. I tried dating someone who was also in the same boat as me, and that was probably more good than it was bad...but looking back, man that was weird. We genuinely liked each other, but we were not supposed to be together long term, that much was clear. I was looking to focus on just having fun again, since it had been so long since I had been able to be just me. Rollie and I saw each other at that point and everything changed. The stars aligned or more literally, the plane ticket prices were right. Who knows if it was fate or if we are just lucky, but we started dating and haven't looked back since.

Rollie moved here roughly a month ago and has been mostly staying at my place. He has his own house with two roommates, but we haven't made it a priority to spend time not-together. However, we bought a bed so he will now have a place to sleep there, so that should help with moving the rest of his things in. He has been doing such a fantastic job meeting with people, making connections and getting gigs. I am really proud of him for being so motivated and fantastic in that way. As he said to someone, he's used to it. But still, I am proud regardless. I really believe he will do well in Portland and be happy in his career.

I have loved all our time we have spent together; it is wonderful to have him here. I keep feeling like this is just an extra long vacation and he is going to have to go home...but this is his home now. When we were at the beach house this weekend, he wrote a to-do list of his needs and wants. On the need list it was mostly things to survive and on the want list everything had to do with me/us. He is as passionate and happy as I am about the future and building it together. Years ago I could have never imagined how relationship oriented Rollie could be. He just seemed so focused on his work and didn't seem to care about much else. Now it seems his focus has shifted to us and I am still, in a way, surprised.

I am excited for our first Holiday season together. Halloween is upon us and I am ready for it! Rollie asked me to do a costume with him; he asked me to be princess bubblegum. I would have had to be out of my mind to say no. I bought him a Finn sword and backpack, so all he needs is the outfit. We will also certainly be going to a haunted house since Rollie has never been to one. I bet he has never seen corpse bride either.

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.08.13  17.03
cutest couple in america.

While shooting Brandon and Phoebe's wedding:
"Are you two a couple?"
"yes, we are"
"YOU GUYS ARE THE CUTEST COUPLE IN AMERICA. Running around, shooting pictures...and then dancing with and smiling at each other...then back to *taking pictures of everyone motion*...seriously, you two the most adorable ever."

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.06.28  13.44
What....is Love?

I remember Dave writing a journal entry about what romantic love is. He was wondering if it was simply a chemical reaction in our brain caused by correct timing and placement, basically. Glen, a guy I knew through dancing, thinks true love is the level of compatability two people have. I have always tended to think love, for me, would be fated. My belief in that theory came crashing down with the end of my relationship with Joachim. I felt we were meant to be; On paper and in feelings that was true. However, as time went on, it was apparent this was not true in our everyday reality together; How we were with each other obviously didn't work. Perhaps we could have grown together or learned to function, but I'm thinking we just weren't meant to.

Perhaps destiny does exist, and Jordan and I were always supposed to find each other at the right time. Or maybe it doesn't, Maybe we are just blessed to finally try this out between us. Whatever the case may be, all I know is I love him more every time I see him. It keeps getting better between us. I am confident we will continue to build a life together instead of figuring out damage control of forcing something that doesn't go together. We are honest, open, reliable, responsible, sympathetic, caring, and loving. Sometimes it is really hard; feelings are confusing, but Rollie has been right there by my side. He wouldn't let me let go.

At times, the romantic feelings weren't there the way they have been before with someone else. It made me so extremely upset because you can't make yourself feel that. And what did Rollie do? He held me, and told me it would be alright; that the feelings would come. That is love.

Rollie has fought for me and stuck by my side. He rarely waivered in thinking we should be together. He told me a long time ago he swore to be the best man he could be because that is what I deserve. I have faith he will be what I need. He has already met my needs in so many ways. And I will continue to learn and see what he needs.

Everyone knows no one is perfect and therefore no relationship can be perfect. However, Rollie is ok when it isn't perfect, because he knows our basis is stronger and more important than the rocks we hit. I have been learning to view it the same way again. He makes it easier. He helps bring me back to what I have lost faith in and what I used to believe about love. That is love.

Romance is important. I fear the fickle feelings will be hard for us to keep for the years to come, but I can't let that stop us. More than anyone, I believe Rollie will strive to keep those things alive as much as I will. As best as we can, I hope we will keep taking care of ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually. Health is attractive. Looking good for each other. Staying happy. Smiling. Laughing. All attractive. Remembering to spend time with friends. Doing things for each other, presents, dates. Talking, really talking. and my favorite, dancing.

Love is impossibly difficult to describe. You often know when you feel it, and you know when it is backed by something real.

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.06.10  23.55
Birthdays and Weddings

Even though it isn't ideal to live in different states, I really have enjoyed visiting Rollie in LA. His artist loft is lovely. The city can be fun. And it has been alright because I know it won't be forever...and I know I'm his girl.

We even made going to six flags magic mountain fun, even though that place is ghetto. And we still ate at a Gordon Ramsey resturant even if it was on the roof top and not in the actual dining area; It would have been great to swim in that pool next to our table. One day I ran around in my JM dress and Rollie snapped photos of me at the train station and the concert hall. I still want to go to the beach again. It's nice to be able to actually get in and swim.

Plus I have been able to meet and hang out a little bit with his roommate Jacob. He is such a funny and great guy. I love that kid. I hope I will get a chance to have fun with him sometime before we all part ways.

For Rollie's birthday this year he came to spend it with me in PDX. I bought him a book he had said he wanted months ago, which he liked very much ^-^. We went to Rouge but he didn't get his free swag because his rougue card hadn't come in the mail yet. No matter, we knew we had a hot tub bath tub in the living room of our hotel. It was a pretty mediocre room, but it also wasn't a month's rent for one night. Still, it had what we wanted.

That weekend was Dave's bachelor party. Since I was a groomslady for his wedding, he wanted me at his party. It was so sweet of him, I had to go. Plus I wanted to go, but I was worried I couldn't since Rollie was with me. Luckily Dave wanted to meet him and said he wanted him to come. They completely hit it off that night. After we grilled steaks, played settlers of Catan, and soaked in the hot tub, Dave and Rollie stayed up talking all night while the rest of us went to bed.

Since it would have been a shame for Rollie to miss coming to the wedding, they made a deal. Dave bought his plane tickets and Rollie would make a video for them. I am excited to see it when he is done with it.

Dave and Jasmine's wedding was the best wedding I have ever been to. It was great. All their friends and family pitched in to make different special things happen and it came together so well. In the morning of the big day, Jasmine's mom hosted a bridal party breakfast/make over. We all got our hair and makeup done while chatting and eating tasty treats. When we got to the church, we immediately checked out all the reception decor downstairs. Dave's mom did a beautiful job. The ceremony went smoothly. Everyone was so happy for this awesome couple. The reception really was a celebration.

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.06.06  23.52
NYE

I quickly glanced over my entries and I realized I have not been doing a very good job at documenting all the wonderfulness that is Rollie and I.
When we decided to make it facebook official, we didn't really know when our anniversary date should be. April 19th was the day, but we agreed it was really New Years Eve. That homeless ex-carnie knew it.

On nye, we dressed up as secret agents for a "party" the Fez was putting on. Before hand we went to Portland City Grill, which is the perfect dinner setting for two secret agents. We cased the joint for awhile, stalking the window booths. We eventually succeeded and ordered drinks. After some cute photos, we decided we had sufficiently taken in the night PDX skyline. We headed off to the Fez. Upon arriving, they frisked us. Jordie had his air soft gun in the breast pocket of his jacket, which was pretty funny to see him warn the guard of it just before the security guy started feeling the outline of a gun. We had a shoot out in the parking lot before ditching our gear in the car. It's a shame we ever came back to the party because there was absolutely nothing James Bond theme about it except the ad for the event. It was a normal lame bro and ho night. We tried to dance and make it fun, but we decided we didn't want to be around all those dummies when it turned 2013. We rushed off to the waterfront and made it just in time. There were a few other couples and some people taking pictures. When we realized it had turned midnight we rushed to kiss eachother like something terrible would happen if we missed it. We watched some lanterns float in the sky and I remembered I have always wanted to do that. Homeless ex-carnie made his way over to us and started talking about how he could see the bat signal because it was the premier of the Batman movie. It wasn't of course, but I still don't know if he knew that or not. I think he kind of did know, but said it to be awesome. Later comments he made would lend to that conclusion. He sounded crazy, but there were too many quick witted remarks and puns to just be cray. At one point he told Rollie how lucky he is to have a woman like me and what a lovely couple we are. He told Rollie he needs to wake up every morning and tell me how beautiful I am. I started to get the feeling this guy was a psychic. He just seemed like a vessel the universe would work through. Maybe it was just his wreckless abandon, yet interest in humor love and beauty. He then pointed to the stars and said "you know you can own those now and name it." He pointed out the North star. I asked what it's name was and he asked me what my name is...and then said, pointing at the star, "that's Katie."

Days after New Year's, Jordie and I took Mochi up to the snow. He had only ever been in a little bit of it earlier that winter, but he loved it. I wanted to see what he would look like surrounded in a blanket of it. Turns out, he isn't nearly as white as he appears when he isn't next to snow, haha. But when he would raise his head and look off into the distance he still looked majestic. It was pretty quiet out in the mountains in that little town. We trekked it out into the snow and when we had finally found a place I was feelin', I grabbed Rollie and pulled him into the snow while he was kissing me. The soft snow, his warmth, the peacefulness and falling snow. It really was a magical kiss. Neither of us want to forget it. After we were done being cute, playing with Mochi, and sledding, we stopped in at a little pizza place. The server gave us this glacier water that was seriously the best water I have ever had.

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.06.03  20.00
Disneyland With My Guy <3

A week ago, I had one of the best weekends; it was so sweet and wonderful. Ever since I was little I have wanted to go to Disneyland with my significant other. It couldn't have been more lovely than it was with my dear Rollie.

When I arrived in LA, I was told I had a present waiting for me at the apartmen...which I had to find. I noticed the beautiful pink and purple flowers on the side table by the bed and couch, but for some reason I didn't realize they were for me until Sadie, Jacob's girlfriend, mentioned it to me. I just didn't expect it. I pulled a blanket off the bed and Rollie said "oh so close". It also took me a minute to realize my other present was in the bed. A cute little stuffed unicorn I mentioned to him that I would like. A unicorn and flowers...sounds like the perfect start to a great weekend to me. ^-^ He watched Cinderella with me, as per my request, that night. When the prince was yawning at all the girls who were coming up to him, I whispered that's you. And when Cinderella walks in with her beautiful dress, the prince looks up and Rollie says that's you. I fell asleep in his arms.

We woke up to the light streaming in through the big draped windows. The breeze combined with the cold of the concrete on my bare feet coaxed me awake. Jacob was sweet enough to let us have the apartment to ourselves. Rollie cooked breakfast and I got ready to look cute for our first day. Before we left, Jacob came home and snapped pics on his phone of us in our, as Disney liked to tell us, dapper outfits.

For the first half of the day we didn't do anything except for run around and film ourselves being cute. People kept telling us how great we looked and how great we looked together. He held my hand all day, and kissed me every chance there was. Riding the little cars and trollys up and down mainstreet. Randomly as we were walking out of the castle later, he grabbed me and kissed me hard. I was a little surprised and said oh hello! He said, I just had to do that in front of the castle. <3 We then headed to the Blue Bayou for our mid-day date. We waited for a nice waterside table so we could wave at the people on the pirates of the Caribbean ride going by. Our server was very nice, and greeted us by calling us love birds ^-^
He didn't mind one bit that we only wanted dessert and told us to enjoy the nice atmosphere. The soft dim light was relaxing. Our desserts were great; pretty, plated well, and tasty. Even my non-alcoholic mint julep was fun. even if we didn't pay 6 extra dollars for glow/rave ice cubes. o.O

After lunch, we finally rode some rides like Alice and the teacups. Headed on over to California adventures for some fun drawing tigger and finding out which Disney Characters we are. I had a great time just doing that because Rollie was so in the moment with me. We weren't thinking about anything else except being with each other, and loving every minute of it. The toy story ride was fun because Rollie almost beat me even though I ended up winning. He killed me on the Buzz lightyear ride. I definitely need a rematch on that one. We did a few other cute things like ride the ferris wheel, even with two brat teenage girls couldn't phase us.

The next day was ride day. We wore jeans so we could run around, trade pins, get wet, and not worry about looking so good. I don't remember where the day started exactly, but the icecream chocolate shop was one of our first stops. We shared a delicious icecream sunday, complete with putting whip cream on his nose. I couldn't help myself.

Then we headed over the the river raft ride. We rode with three other couples, pointing and laughing the entire time when someone got wet. Right before we went over the giant drop our raft got stuck! We all worked as a group to try and rock the raft back in forth, but it was all in vain. They told us they had to drain the water and evacuate us. As they were draining the water, we finally figured out to rock side to side and got unstuck, but it was too late. I didn't mind the though, I have never had to evacuate a ride, it was kind of fun. We went on the Little Mermaid ride to kill some time before we could hop back on the raft ride. It was a million times better when the person you love kisses you when they sing kiss the girl. The second time we rode the raft ride was just as fun as the first time. We were with a group of Hispanic kids and an Indian dad and his son. We all laughed our heads off. I love that ride. It brings such weird groups of people together and is incredibly fun. I smile and laugh so much my cheeks start to hurt. And I love sharing this with Rollie...It's one of the aspects that is so special to our relationship. You can read our relationship through the laughs we share and the ways we play together.

Throughout the weekend we would both mention and tell little stories about our past family trips here when we were kids. I told him about how my Mom is Ariel, and he told me about his dad carrying him around near splash mountain when he was asleep. We went on Splash Mountain as a tribute to when we were here for Bat's day with Victor, cassie, alecia, and Meredith.

Waiting in line isn't so bad when I am with him. We think of games to play and I get to hold onto him for the length of the line. Although I wouldn't want to wait an hour and a half for the cars ride again >-<. Luigi's flying tire was a lot of fun. We were pretty adorable on that ride. Rollie said we should just go into the middle and makeout. We laughed about it. Little did we know we would get stuck in the middle of the ride. We both looked at each other and said makeout! hahaha. We kissed for awhile and then finally managed to float our way around again.

Pin trading throughout the day was fun. We were on the search for UP pins. Of course they are really hard to find, so Rollie said we should just buy them. I gave him the Dog and I got the Grandpa. It worked out so well because rollie's Dad likes the dog, and I was wearing a pink Grandpa type sweater...so it looked great. Also because I miss my Grandpa to death, I loved wearing it. It meant a lot to me that he was the one who wanted to buy them. Rollie is genuine and very sentimental. I love that about him so much. He gets sincerely excited and happy about the little things I do. He is passionate and things mean a great deal to him. As we were taking the Disney tests, we answered the same exact way to the questions. It was in that moment I realized how incredibly alike we really are.

After we were done with California Adventures, we started making our way back to Disneyland. He told me about a conversation he had with a friend. He mentioned how his friend said he was taking the easy way out by being with me...trying to remind him of his dreams. It felt like a knife in my side. I disagreed that it was the easy way out. How can something so beautiful and precious be an easy way out? But I have worried about how hard he has worked to find a place in LA. And so I said, what about your dreams Rollie? And he stops me. Holds my face in his hands and says, "you are my dream." as he kisses me, tears roll down my cheek. I know just how true that is, and how incredibly amazing he is for knowing it is my dream too.

We follow eachother through the crowd trying to find a seat for the fireworks. We settle on a more secluded area off to the side of the castle. Once we hear the sounds of exploding but don't see anything, we know we have to move. I take off running and Rollie follows me through adventure land, looking over our shoulders to see the brilliant lights every now and then. We find a place to sit and snuggle down to watch. He sits behind me, wrapping his arms around me. We are both just so happy, and content. After the fireworks, we hop on the train for one last ride around Disneyland. We sit in the back by ourselves. It was the perfect end to a romantic weekend in a place that holds magic and meaning. <3

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.05.24  13.36
Dog Days

Today is a swimming in the ocean or hanging out at a river day...in my mind. And bringing Mochi with me. The lady I bought him from said we were meant to be and I think that is true. He is magical and sweet. I love how emotional he is, even though the bad comes with the good. He turned a year old last month. He isn't perfect; he is still learning. A lot of that comes from my not spending enough time training him. I enjoy it when I have the energy to do so. Thankfully he loves to just sit with me. Late at night all he wants to do is be a lovey cuddle bug. He always watches movies with me. During the day, he hangs out with my Dad and Minnie. This is both a good and very bad thing. He has the company, but he doesn't have any discipline. He walks all over my Dad and learns bad habits. I am not sure if I should keep him seperated and only allow minnie to play with him, or if I should continue to let things be as they are. Minnie's energy also makes him crazy.

I realized it has been a year since I have seen Megan and Reuben. The last time I saw her, she was pregnant with Olive. I want to make a trip to AZ sometime this year to see them and to see my Grandma before she passes. I miss Arizona. Being there is great, but also painful. I am reminded of the life I used to have and it is sad to see it fade away more every year that passes. Not because my life now isn't as good, but mainly I miss my Mom and Grandpa. I cherish my past.

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.05.23  16.43
Just a Post

I am thankful PDX decided to not put flouride in our water. I really don't need added chemicals, I get enough of them with my soda drinking habits. I need my water to just be water. It's hard to be healthy when what is healthy changes everyday.

I have a megabucks lottery ticket sitting on my desk. When I thought about what I would love most about winning, I thought of my brother. The best part about winning the lottery would be Chad not having to work anymore. He would be able to see the sun, do the things he wants to do, not hurt his back.... he has worked his whole life and cared about others. He deserves it. I seriously thought if I could choose between being able to travel my whole life, having a luxorious life, or Chad not having to work again....I would choose Chad. The second best part about winning the lottery would be helping the rest of my family and friends. The third part would be traveling... and not having to worry and stress as much. The material things come last, because really, I am pretty damn happy with what I have.

I have been working a lot lately and it's becoming a little frustrating. It is never fun to feel like you are spinning your wheels and wasting your life. I haven't felt that way intensely, but it has been in the back of my mind. However, it is what I want to be doing right now. I want life to be as stress-free as possible for an undecided amount of time. I need to heal. I need time to recharge.

I haven't been thinking about all the things I have wanted/needed to do for years now. I pick and choose and focus on those things, otherwise it becomes overwhelming and sad. I have been doing well for a long time now and I guess I just don't want to rock the boat. When people ask me how I am, I say good and it really is, good. I think about where I was at last year and how miserable I was most of the time. I really had to fight through what breaking up with Joachim did to me. I finally feel like I am more like how I used to be. I still have my bad days, but my visit to the Doctor reminded me how far I have come. The last time I was in her office I couldn't speak without bursting into tears. This time I was smiling and offering her sympathy to hear her days had been emotionally draining lately.

There are a lot of things I need and want to correct in myself, as there always should be. But really, it is the parts of me that aren't Christ-like that I want transformed again. We have to make sure to embrace the awareness of when we have fallen off track. This is easier when we are happy. I always feel closest to God when I am happy. For some people they only come to God when they are sad or broken...but I seem to come back more when I am happy. I don't know really what that means.

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.05.02  15.01
<3

When it comes to true love, people often say "you will just know it when it happens."
For me, it's happening in reverse.

There are certain people in your life that your soul recognizes, and when you first meet, you have a notion of already knowing them. There are many theories and explanations of why this happens...perhaps it’s simply compatibility, knowing them in a previous life, or a foreshadowing. I often have deja-vu. When I have moments like these, I don't feel like it has happened before. In those moments, it's like I am able to feel and truly know time/life through the eyes of God. God knows the past, and he knows what will happen in the future. Even though it hasn't happened yet, it will, and everything is connected...past, present, and future.

When I first met Jordie, I had one of those moments. Our presence together already connected; so natural it almost wasn't noticeable. When I asked him his name and he told me...I didn't like he had the same name of my ex-boyfriend. Not only because I didn't want to be reminded of him, but because I already was innately excited about Jordie and thought he deserved a title which reflected his awesomeness. From then on, everyone could see we shared a love...but we were teenagers.

Since then, there has always been something in the way telling me that it was right for Jordie and I to be together. For a few years, when we had fallen in love with other people, my romantic feelings for him were very distant. We were, above everything, truly friends. Always wanting to know about each other’s lives, being there for one another through so many hard times, and celebrating the happy times. We have been the best of friends over the distance of miles and miles. But he always pushed for us to be together, it would be a cycle. He would tell me how much he loves me and I would say it’s not happening. We would go back to normal and after a few months it would start over. At one point in time I felt we never would be in a place where it made sense for us to be together, coupled with only feeling like friends. I thought we might not be able to be friends since he couldn't let it go. Of course I couldn't not be his friend. He has always been so special to me.

Last year, after Joachim and I had broken up, I dated a few guys. Naturally I wanted to get over him, but I couldn't manage to. At one point in time I was certain Joachim and I were soul mates. I asked Rollie how he reconciled with thinking Beth had been the love of his life and it not working out that way. He told me he never did. That he accepted it was better for them to be apart, and if he dug down deep he could find those feelings again. It wasn't the answer I was hoping for. I look at how I feel about Joachim now, and I come up with the same answer. It scares me because I had never felt like I had found my soul mate before Joachim...so how would I know now if I had been so wrong about that? Maybe I wasn't wrong. Maybe it was just timing. Or maybe we are connected and have that love, but we wouldn't work. All I know is it didn't work. And for whatever reason, the universe has not seen it fit for us to be together again.

When Rollie and I began down this romantic road, I wasn't thinking of what it would become. I just wanted to be with him how we are, to not hold back and finally let everything fall as it may. And it did. But at the same time I was so conflicted and torn, it wasn't easy in a lot of ways. I almost took that as a sign it wasn't right, because usually when you are conflicted that is the reason. However, I could feel it was different. And he helped me to realize it was just a process and would pass.

I heard a song the other day that brought me back to a time when I was first thinking about the man I would marry when I grew up. I always have wanted to fall in love with my best friend. When I broke up with my first serious boyfriend, I wrote about how it was hard for me not to have someone to sleep next to...Rollie sent me a teddy bear in the mail. Numerous boys had promised to take me horseback riding, and even though it wasn't ideal like riding alone on the beach together, Rollie took me riding. He was there for me through every one of my relationships that didn't work out, listening to everything I said about these stupid boys. He was there when my mom died; he let me cry in his lap as he held onto my shoulders. This last Valentine’s Day he played, sang, and recorded a song for me. I have never loved a valentine’s gift so much. And now he is learning how to dance because one, it's amazing, and two because it is so incredibly important to me to be able to connect that way with the person I am with. It is a long road, and takes a lot of effort, but he is doing it.

Rollie is an amazing person. His creativity is not evident upon first glance, but it emanates in his work and in what he enjoys. He has an artist’s soul and can see the world through a poet's lens. He feels deeply, and can be passionate. He treats people with respect and kindness. His heart is true and beautiful. He believes in the light in life. I admire Rollie's ability to adapt and change when needed. He is competent and never gives up. He is always looking to improve and do better. He really enjoys aspects of life and gets excited.

Laughing together is one of my favorite things about us. We make each other laugh all the time. We love seeing each other smile. This has always been something so important to me in a relationship. Rollie is also honest, and I have always completely trusted him. Honesty is noble, but it is also the best thing for everyone. However, it can be difficult. You must be able to take responsibility for yourself and you must be ok with emotions and the feelings truth brings. Rollie isn't afraid of emotions...he is completely comfortable and knows it is a part being a mature, wise, and incredible man. I know he will do what he says, his word is his bond. We can talk about the depths of our soul and we can play and have fun, we have always had the whole spectrum.
He has always treated me like no less than a princess. I have always, always always, felt beautiful with him. He not only sees me for the person I am, but cherishes it so dearly. He knows the good and the bad, and has continuously loved me completely. I am entirely myself when I am with him. He loves me the way all girls dream of. I always notice and appreciate all these things, and all that he has ever done for me.
I am so lucky to have him.

Last New Year's Eve I was crying my eyes out because Joachim broke up with me. This NYE I was kissing Rollie on the waterfront. I absolutely believe this is for a reason. I just hope it is the reason He and I are hoping for.

This whole time I had been falling in love, but I didn't know it.

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.04.23  18.12
In my late twenties

My ten year high school reunion is coming up soon. Cheezus, it has been a decade. If, at my HS graduation, I had predicted what my life would be like at this point in time- it would honestly only be slightly different. I would have more energy; magically somehow be able to be more productive than my body has let me be all the previous years of my life. I would have been married for years now and be making more money. I also would have an impressive professional wardrobe and a reliable car. However, I do feel all those things are on the verge of happening...and if they don't, my life is amazing anyways.

I am very thankful that I can enjoy so many aspects of life, and be happy most of the time. I have crazy emotions and some days they just decide to make me feel like crap for no reason...but now, in my old and wise age, I am able to recognize when it is just chemical, and to try to ignore it as much as possible. I have legs to dance, ears to listen to music. I have a camera to capture moments and create with. I can do art when I have time, which isn't often, but thankfully can be contented with my intentions for art. My job at Lexus gives me a lot of freedom and I have met some truly amazing people I would have never met otherwise. My apartment is still half done, and hasn't progressed much in months, but it's there waiting. Thanks to my brother I am able to have a two bedroom apartment with no roommates. I have the best brother anyone could ask for, I love chad dearly. I don't see Traci that often recently since she has been dating Burton, but I love her and am thankful to have a sister who loves me too. Of course I have the best dog in the world. I always go on and on about my wonderful friends, but damn, they really are wonderful. I have people who immensely love and appriciate me and see me for who I am...and I have people to do likewise.

Yesterday my friend Emilio from work was telling me when he first met me he could tell I was special. He could see a light and joy in me...and said only God can give that to people. I had seen the same in him, and in Victor, when I first met them. The love of God is not easily mistakable. It's so pure and beautiful. My heart over flows with incredible happiness just thinking about it...it's almost too much to contain.

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.04.19  15.52
It will be what it will be.

The Tao of Pooh slightly blew my mind when I first read it. The concept of being at peace with the flow of life is something I have always struggled with. When Joachim and I first started writing each other, I sent the book to him. He read it and didn't have much to say about it. Later I came to learn that it's because that is the way Joachim is. He grew up always moving around, changing countries from France to America...he had to learn to be ok with not having control over everything that happens. We were on different sides of the spectrum, both with our strengths and weaknesses from it.

The last time I saw Joachim he was here with his friend Kav. We spent the weekend all three of us hanging out. The first night we all spent together, running from bar to bar laughing, playing, and talking...I had an absolute blast. It was such a good night. Kav used to live here and is a cool guy. We went to the Tube for a portion of the night and I danced with Kav and partner danced with Joachim. He is still one of my favorite people to dance with. Joachim and I have a connection I have never had with anyone else, and that is apparent in our dancing. I thought seeing him was a good thing...and I still think that. But it brought back all my feelings for him and my concern that we were actually meant to be together. I still don't know that, but as the weeks have gone by, I begin to think we wouldn't ever be as close as I need to be because he wouldn't know how to let me.

There is someone who I think can be. I have been afraid to really jump into a relationship with Rollie for countless reasons. I have brought up so many of my concerns and doubts and he has been able to bear them all. He loves me so much more than the amount of uncertainty and fear I have. It's surreal to be friends with someone for over a decade and decide to let those romantic feelings go free. And I still have feelings for Joachim, so it has felt unfair to Rollie. He deserves all of me, since that is what he is offering me. I think I'm ready to try. I am afraid to say any more about this right now, but I bet there will be more in future. I cant imagine a relationship where it is pain free. But I still believe it's possible.

Rollie told me to stop having expectations of what I should be feeling. He gave me permission to feel and be where I am at...I can at least do the same.

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.02.27  16.46
a lot of energy is coming form everywhere

Two Thousand and Thirteen. I am so blessed to have this life. I am, for the most part, completely free. I have the oppurtunity to live how I would like and the choice to be happy. I have siblings who support each other, the best friends anyone could ask for, and the prettiest dog who loves me. I have a quirky job taking photos and am allowed to have pink hair at a highly professional company. I still have my problems of never having enough energy, am still healing my emotions, and always learning how to improve myself in all areas...but I have modern medicine to help me and of course God. I miss going to church and definitely want to go soon. I also feel like I need to go out into nature. I told Jasmine on a car ride, "when you get to a certain age something just snaps and all you want to do is be in feild."

On that same car ride, Dave brought up a time when I didn't feel the way I am feeling now. When I felt like I was in a rut...because I was. I wasn't feeling despondent due to not making my mark on the world, but because I was stagnant. We are meant to connect with life. I sometimes fear my inspirations and motivation will just disappear, but I try not to focus on that. I continue to do what is fulfilling which begets more of the same. There is a standard Christian song on the radio which has a line -I felt it first when I was younger, a strange connection to the light- and really that is the best way I can describe it.

As long as I can create art and have beautiful relationships with people, I'm happy. I have never wanted to be something for the sake of the thing itself.

I end this post with this:
tumblr_m9bgpoYH4H1rccck7o1_250

 
 
Critique


 
  2013.02.04  17.09
love

When it comes to entries I feel like I should accept the amount of time passing between them gracefully. I have almost given up on trying to recount the events of my life, almost. I had this grand idea that someday I would make a book of my entries and read them when I am old and feeble. Perhaps I still will. Memories are so strange. I watched The Vow the other night, a newer movie that came out last year. It was based on a true story about a couple who fell in love, got married, got in a car accident and the wife lost all her memories of it ever happening. The most interesting part about it is, she went back to her life as it was back when she could remember. As time went on, she made the same decisions and had the same pulls to become the same person she was before she lost her memory. She re-fell in love with the man she was previously married to all over again and they had two children together. It begs the question, are we predestined to have the life we do due to the pull our genetics have on us? Or even further, are we meant for a path and the closer we come to following it, the happier/more fulfilled we will be?

I'm thinking about love and what it means to be in love. I have always felt like I would know without a doubt when the love of my life came around. I thought it would be like my friendship with my best friends... so clear it wasn't even a choice. It was just a part of my life, a part of me. It wasn't ever hard with Megan. I never had to "work at it" to have an amazing friendship with Victor. I don't see why, through that conceptual lens, a marriage should be any different. My first real love was Ian, and I knew deep down the entire time that was wrong; but I became so attached I was willing to give that all up. After that, I have dated a lot of guys knowing almost the whole time it wasn't right with any of them.

And then there was Joachim. I thought I had finally come together with my soul mate, the love of my life. I was so damn sure. I had never thought I was meant for anyone, but I thought we were made for each other. And when that ended I was devastated. On the floor, I didn't know how to pick up the pieces. I couldn't make sense of how he could leave after feeling all the same things for me, why he wouldn't fix things. I honestly still can't make complete sense of it. I am left with the thought that we were always meant to be together, that our hearts still know each other, but instead of continuing life together...now we will always just have a piece of each other. He has a part of me no one else has had.

So what is next? It has been difficult for me to move on from that. It has taken me an entire year to find myself again, to feel, for the most part, ok. Joachim and I never had the chance to really build the type of long term earth shattering relationship which can only come into existance with years and years of being together. And that is what I have to give someone. I don't want to dream anymore, I want the reality of it. I've been ready for it for years now, and I am still not willing to compromise.

Sometime after Joachim and I had ended, I visited an old friend. Something about my state let me be me, without as much restraint, raw. I didn't have a thing planned, but one morning I kissed Rollie, because as my friend I have always loved him; but there has always been a part of my feelings for him which were more than just friends. I will never forget the look on his face. He looked at me slightly shocked with disbelief and confusion, a facial expression mixed with so many emotions yet also completely blank at the same time. and then he carried on with what he was telling me as if it wasn't anything out of ordinary, yet we both knew it was. Neither of us spoke of it for awhile.

We naturally wanted to see more of each other and so proceeded to take trips to visit. Him, reluctant to believe after over a decade it could happen. Me, reluctant to let myself see what I really feel. Slowly opening up to each other and the possibility more. I have done nothing but question the hell out of it, him, me, him and me... Yet he is still willing to see what this is between us. I am confused on what happened with my heart and scared for both of us. Yet, I believe it is worth that leap of faith even if it doesn't work. He believes it will. I am, of course, unsure. I am afraid I won't ever love him the way he loves me. I can't ignore the piece of me that has always said it isn't completely right with Rollie...but the last time I followed that feeling when it told me it was right, it ended badly. So I don't think I can trust it. What I do know is, Rollie and I have been friends for over ten years. We have been there for each other, we have laughed and played and hoped and dreamed. We are starting in reverse, and I have never done that before. That is why we need to see this out...to whatever end. We have the best intentions and each other's heart in mind. We can only see what happens from here.

 
 
Critique


 
  2012.12.30  17.02
Christmas Presents

This Christmas I was able to give and receive so many wonderful gifts that meant so much to everyone involved. Gifts are definitely one of the big ways I show and feel love. It isn't the thing itself, but more what the thing means...either to just the person or both of you. My favorite presents were:
A pair of shoes from a friend who only bought them for his family who lives back in Mexico and me.
An expensive estee lauder perfume from a friend at work, who I consider to be an angel. It wasn't because of the price but because he felt like I deserved something lovely. A gift has never made me feel so beautiful. He always gives me the prettiest roses from his yard, which already meant the world to me. He planted them as a memorial for his mother, and only told me that because he knows how much I miss and love my mom. He has never given anyone them except for me. Then he went on search for a perfume which smelled like those roses, and he found one which was made of flowers. A gift could not possibly be more special.
A pink record player and an amazing bathrobe with a hood from my brother. He is always so thoughtful and awesome all year round, but it shows in his perfect gifts. I gave all of these people presents they loved possibly as much as I loved theirs. I made a photobook for the first person with pictures of him so he could send it back to his family. My angel I gave an expensive battery for his electric tool at work since he only had one and had to constantly switch back and forth. I also gave him a little stuffed hippo since he always plays i want a hippopotamus for Christmas. For Chad I got a 20ton shop press which he has been wanting/needing. I also got him a mug with his favorite lol cat on it...Banker cat does not approve your loan.
I also adored the distorted candlestick holder Jewels got for me, it is definitely one of the coolest gifts I have ever gotten.
Rollie sent me a Nightmare Before Christmas mini top hat...I was truly surprised and gasped when I opened the box.
This exchanging of gifts was so truly full of love and appreciation....for the person, for the relationship, for the spirit of God.
Anyway we can express ourselves, communicate, and bring life to the spiritual parts of what exists....is a wonderful gift in my book.

 
 
Critique


 
  2012.10.05  01.01
pink hair!

28.
Powder Pink Hair.
Matching restored vintage Schwinn bike.
Fluffy white dog.
Two bedroom apartment half done.
My bank account is almost nonexistent and continues to stay that way...therefor I cannot travel like I very much desire to, but life in Portland is good. As Trent told me when he asked for his sweater back, winter is coming. I love the blue skies and the sun; I hope I don't hibernate all winter like I usually do. It's hard to fight it. I am investing in warm coats. I have lived in Oregon for 12 years now, it is time to stop fighting it. Flip flops are not year round appropriate, I have to stop pretending. Even with socks, it's just not ok...on the regular.

I am healthy, and for that I am insurmountably thankful. I think about how lucky I am to have hands to create with, legs and feet to dance with. My heart keeps beating, keeping me alive physically and spiritually. I have eyes to see all the beauty in the world and ears to hear the sounds of life. I am still young. I am able.

I have crow's feet around my eyes. It is really the first sign of aging I have noticed. It is so hard to grasp the beauty we hold in youth. I look at photos of myself when I was younger and think about how I felt back then. I have always had the blessing of feeling pretty more often than not, but I didn't truly know how incredibly beautiful I was. I have a better idea now. I have never felt so appreciative of my body as I am now. I am learning to love my face even with the bad skin I have. I love my blue eyes and my pale skin. But really, true beauty comes from within, and it is incredible how it shines through our physical body.

The mind is a complicated place. Mental health is mostly intangible when it comes to how to improve it. I have never seen a therapist, but I am a believer in thinking everyone should. My own introspection and self observation has helped me tremendously. Not only can you start working on fixing whatever it is that needs it, but it helps to enable sympathy for others....remembering people are unaware of their issues and having compassion for the struggle it causes.

Which reminds me. I really need to stop dating the same type of guy over and over. Most of my ex-boyfriends have this in common: they moved around a lot their entire life and are completely independent. The guy I was talking about in my last entry, he grew up in a military family and moved around a lot. We ended up not working out. The next guy I went out on a date with moved here from Russia when he was in his early teens and also moved quite a bit. Same story with Joachim from France. I don't know what it is about this pattern, but it does not work for me. I need someone who grew up with people and has deep bonds. Someone who would rather share everything with me, or should I say even knows how.

I have quite possibly never been as single as I am right now. I have my moments when I think about Joachim, but I try to remember the reality of the situation...it didn't work and it probably never would. I realized I have a lot of needs when it comes to a romantic-other. I have tried many times to make it work despite the lack of glaring signs that I was not fulfilled. It has never worked. I literally can't settle. Lol. I don't know what to do when it comes to dating, so for the time being I am trying to focus on everything else in life. The thing I want most is someone to share it with, but I will just have to be patient.

 
 
Critique


 
  2012.09.06  19.43
Stats

Hello livejournal.
As usual it has been awhile again.
Stats on life: lovin' the new place, having such a good time fixing up my apartment and Chad's. It is taking a long time, but there is no real rush.
So happy to finally have a dog! I'm lovin' my big puppy Mochi-kun. He is the prettiest thing around and is learning more everyday.
I enjoy my job, the people and my freedom... even though I would like to make more and eventually do something different.
I am healthy for the most part and changing my hair constantly.
Chad is buying a plot of land on a lake by the ocean four hours away. We will also spend a lot of time working on that and making it awesome.
Traci is home and living downstairs. She has her own space with her own sliding door.
Dad is dad, doing better with his pug minnie in his life.
Megan and Reuben have the cutest little family ever, with their newest addition Olive.
Jewels is still in NV with jason and little Max.
Victor is moving in with Rose after our birthday at the end of this month.
Ben and Liz are doing well from what I hear.
Rollie is still in LA making things happen.
Dave is in love with Jasmine and their relationship grows everyday.
I have been kind of seeing someone for a bit now, but we might not continue depending on how we both feel our compatibility is. And where I am emotionally...which is hard to tell until you develop feelings for someone.

 
 
Critique


 
  2012.07.29  19.56
Taking It's Time

It has been seven months since Joachim and I last saw each other...until yesterday. We both drove to Chahalis and met for a few hours. I didn't have expectations other than I wanted something to be different. I wanted him to see me in person and remember how he feels about me, that he loves me, and he told me he didn't need to drive here to know it. I asked him why he came, and he said because I care about you...probably more than you will ever know.

It was wonderful seeing him again. As soon as he took off his helmet when he drove up on his motorcycle, I was filled with happiness. Even though it had been so long, it still felt like yesterday. I could have pretended nothing ever happened and go back to being...us. But all of that *did* happen. And it did change things between us. There was hurt there. There was regret and guilt that lingered. But I know that would have faded, because underneath everything, it was still the same. The way we looked in each other's eyes, the way he held my hand. That love will probably always be there. I know we will at least always care for each other.

I wanted us to be together, but he decided we shouldn't. He told me if ever we were to be together in the future, we would both need to truly let it go first. I don't agree with that, but it doesn't matter. He couldn't be there for me the way I needed him to be. I am so happy he let me say goodbye in person. I was able to tell him and show him what he meant to me...just in case he didn't fully know. I gave him a hug, kissed him on the cheek and told him I loved him. I got my car and broke into such sobbing tears. I couldn't watch him leave.

But even though it hurts all over again, I feel like I can better move on now. Now that I don't have a question of what if, I could see he wasn't what I need because he didn't love me enough to change what needed to be changed for us to be together. And it will be ok eventually. I told him I wish all the very best things for him and the happiest life. He knows what I wanted. I know I can find someone who has the same amount of love for me someday.

I hope I never have to go through this again.

 
 
Critique


 
  2012.06.13  22.14
a long time coming

A lot has happened this past four months...enough to make me stop journaling and stop writing in my calender. And I am glad I have been active! Everyone wants to keep growing, a static body of water is rarely as clear as one that is moving. I don't remember where exactly I left off, so I will try my best to re-cap and note any significant or seemingly important insignificant happenings.

Let's start with the beach. I had a fun trip with Jon (before he moved to Reno and got a girlfriend) in where we took lots of fun photos, which really, completely *makes* almost any good trip. Jasmine had her birthday at Dave's parent's beach house, much fun was had by all on that trip as well. When I was in LA recently, I got to actually SWIM IN the ocean, and it was lovely. I wore my Leeloo swimsuit and everyone on the beach loved it! I just kept repeating to Rollie and Vic how awesome of a time we all were having as we floated in the waves.

I dyed my hair red and cut it in a crazy asymmetrical modern style. I love the color, and the cut is super too, even though it wasn't originally the crazy cut I had in mind. It is incredible how much better your life is when you have good hair...or how much more incredible *my* life feels when I do. ^-^

I was promoted into a new fabulous office at work! I share my space with three other funny/fun/young vibrant co-workers who I love more everyday. Katie Oaks bought me a terrarium with air plants in it, so thoughtful and sweet. Bergen and I chat all the time about love and life. She is funny and delightful...always a dear. This morning I was surprised with a cup of delicious starbucks and a tasty breakfast treat on my desk, via Bergen. What a doll. Conner is hilarious and shooting him with a nerf gun is one of the best parts of my day. We have a snack drawer with gushers in it. Need I say more? Recently we lost one of our office mates, Morgan. When he left, he gave me his exercise ball which I use as a chair. I thought this would help me sit up straight but on the contrary I find myself slumping more than ever.

Chad bought a tri-plex and we all moved into our own apartments! We didn't move far, just around the corner on the freeway. It is separated into two buildings; Chad's house is on the right and mine is on the left. Dad has his own one bedroom apartment below mine. It is perfect, in my opinion, for all of us and our needs. Chad has a bedroom upstairs and I am using the spare upstairs bedroom as a photo studio. Downstairs there is a living room with concrete floors which makes for a great workspace for Chad. My place is upstairs and so has a radical patio balcony. This should be great for parties, if I ever get my place in good enough condition to have said parties. I have a small dining room and a nice living room. My bedroom is by the road, but I have gotten used to the traffic noise. The spare room I use as the sewing room. We all have our own fenced off yards which we will grow many vegetables and fruits in. We had lived in the Oakwood house for seven years...it was time to move on. We had outgrown it and needed something new. This place is perfect for now and would be rent-able later should we decide to live somewhere else.

I am most likely getting a puppy next weekend. I have been thinking about and considering different breeds for months now, and I think I finally found the perfect dog for me. It's hair is not going to be perfect, but I really think it is worth it. We are trying to get my dad a dog as well, but that shouldnt be as hard seeing he wants a Dachshund. We are making it more difficult on ourselves, however, because we decided we want to get him a long haired Dachshund. Harder to find.

I got a smartphone. This doesn't sound like a big deal, but it seriously is a life changer in a lot of ways. My HTC Amaze works like a dream, I just need to stop dropping it on the ground :P. One of the reasons I got this phone is for the nice camera it has built in. I find myself taking more photos with it than I do my regular camera. This is both good and bad. I find it to be more good than anything though.

Traci met a cowboy online and moved to Arkansas. She and Eric really like eachother and have been having a good time. They have been moving around due to Eric's job, South Carolina, and now Kentucky. I wonder where they will live if they get married. I am glad Traci is happy though.

When Traci left she gave me her memory foam mattress. Now I wonder how I ever slept on a twin size bed for so long. I can't say how much happier I am with a nice bed. Such a little thing. I went out and bought the coziest blanket I could find for a reasonable price. That is how you know you are getting older...when comfort becomes a priority and luxury.

I've never wanted to travel more than I do now. I really want to go to Japan, there are so many things I want to see and do there. I also want to scuba dive in Hawaii and do art in Europe...Italy or france. I also want to buy a genuine cuckoo clock from Switzerland. It looks like a fairy tale there. A real life fairy tale.

Love has been an interesting thing. I had an entire relationship from the last time I wrote an entry. Bill is a long story, but I will sum it up by saying it was something that I am glad happened, but we both knew needed to end. I loved Bill, but I was still in love with Joachim...I still am.

Joachim and I have been talking recently. We have decided we are going to see eachother and go from there. I don't know when that is going to be, it is up to him. I am hoping sometime within the next month...I really really hope he doesn't disappoint me and not come. I miss him so much, even after everything I have been through.

I feel like I am doing fairly good now. I have had the grace, love, and support from so many friends and family. I've been getting what I need, and learning so much about how to love. I have so much gratitude in my heart. That is the beauty of love, when it is given to you, all you want to do is give it away ten times more to others.

I've been humbled. I've been uplifted. I've been shape-shifted from the inside out. Sometimes it is hard to care so deeply, but there have been many people who have validated every ounce of it.

Recently my good friend from work, Jose, gave me the only pictures of his kids he has to make a larger size for him. I somehow lost them over the span of a month, so stupidly forgetting about them. I can't explain how bad I felt. Poor poor Jose. And what did he do? He smiled and told me not to feel bad. That he loved me. He told me he felt bad for how bad I felt. I could hardly handle the grace of that. The love of that. All of a sudden I realized the times in my past when I should have done the same thing and didn't. I just wasn't mature enough to know how to love that way to this depth. I hope now, that I will know how next time.

Megan had her third child. A little girl. I can't wait to see what she looks like as she grows up. Her family is the sweetest little family ever. I adore watching them all grow and being able to visit them when I can. I miss Megs.

Victor is doing well, he is currently single. A few weekends ago we spent a wonderful weekend in LA with Rollie. It was seriously such a fun trip. We did so many things and I was with two of my best friends. beautiful sunshine and happy smiles. What gets better than that?

I'm looking forward to continuing working on the house, and working on my photography again.
These are the things I am focused on...to many people this would seem unimportant and little...but to me it's perfect.

With exception to a husband, I am happy with life.

and want nothing but to spread that happiness to others.

 
 
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